Missile Command

I recently purchased one of those retro flashback style systems that feature 50 classic Atari games and, low and behold, Missile Command was amongst the games offered. Needless to say, after spending the last handful of years playing the classics as well as a host of newer console games, I felt as though my skills were considerably honed and that I wold romp this classic... nope.

Upon selecting the game and witnessing the construction of six cities on the bottom of the screen it didn't take too much time for the mass annihilation of said cities to begin. You might think that my skills and reflexes which have been meticulously honed over the last twenty or so years would be enough to stave off the 2-bit nuclear doomsday that was about to occur... nope.

The truth is, it doesn't matter just how good you think you are. This game doesn't care if you beat twenty levels in a row, because it is just going to try harder on level 21. Playing this game is similar to those battles in an RPG where your character and their party are forced into combat that cannot be won. You just know that you have to take the beating to further the plot so you do. You know that later on you will be on an equal footing where you actually can win. Well, Missile Command empties its bowels on that premise. Sure you can take the first few levels easily enough, but then the warm-up is over and the real s@#t begins to fly. 

There was a point in the fifth or sixth stage where not only missiles are flying about, but bombs are dropping and your gun cannot fire fast enough to take out even half of the s@#t on the screen. That is when you can selective target your way to victory. What I usually do at this point is sacrifice a few cities and try to protect one side of the screen. To hell with L.A., Phoenix and Dallas! I have to protect Chicago, NYC and Boston! And yeah, you can protect them for a few stages then you have to choose which one you will let get nuked because there is just way too much s@#t raining down on you. 

It's like the 2-Bit version of the ending of Terminator 3

If you can survive long enough you might "win" a city back on points, but that city is almost 100% guaranteed to be on the opposite side of the screen from the one or two cities you were protecting. Honestly, this far into the game you cannot even move your curser to that side of the screen to even attempt to protect that city. Once you give up on that s@#t, it is only a matter of time before your city or gun get taken down. As far as I can tell there is no winning in this game. In fact, you can't even survive because the missiles never stop coming.

I honestly thought that this game would get easier over time, but it didn't. In fact, I think that this one actually got more difficult. So before you come all up in here and talk about how difficult Gears of War or Fallout 3 is, strap Missile Command on your sorry ass. 

Crystalis

One of my favorite classic games on the NES was Crystalis. Crystalis was one of the first games on the NES that combined action/adventure with the feel of an RPG. I like to refer to this game as a "Where the hell am I and what the f@#k is going on" title, due to the hero's status and quest. The premise of this game is quite simple and delivered in a movie sequence at the beginning of the game. Basically, your ass gets thawed out and it is up to you to fulfill a prophecy restoring balance to the world. Not terribly original huh? Well, back in the day it was and it was good (still is).

Anyway, the game offers players hours of entertainment and an engrossing story involving cave exploration, learning new skills and powers as well as interacting with a number of cool characters and obstacles. Honestly, the first time I played this game I was hooked. In fact, I am seriously considering saving this article as a draft and playing the game through again. I do plan on recording a playthrough in the future of Crystalis for the YouTube channel once I get a functioning DVR. 

Having said that, lets take a quick look at Crystalis. The game offers a compelling story backed up with cool graphics and "hum-along" good music. I don't find myself creating lyrics, but the tunes are catchy and capture the mood of the game. I don't have too many complaints, but I have to say that the control can be sluggish at times. One of my biggest peaves is when the character is knocked back from taking damage. This is really only annoying when you wind up in a pit due to the effect, and there are a lot of instances where this will force you to deplete items in some of the more difficult dungeons later in the game.

In regards to the gameplay, I don't have any real complaints. I wish the game was a bit longer. I feel like there could have been a few more of the typical RPG cliches thrown in for effect. I did like the all woman village cliche, for some reason that never gets old. With that said, you really need to play this game to appreciate its subtleties. I did find the ending to be somewhat anti-climactic and way too easy. I thought that some of the area bosses were more difficult than the end boss.

Anyway, Crystalis is a really solid title that any fan of the aforementioned genre's will appreciate. You can find this game online at the usual websites as well as at most classic gaming stores. I believe I picked up my copy at a yard sale some years back. Seriously though, check this one out I think you'll dig it.

The Mafat Conspiracy

I've played a lot of old school games and this one might technically be "retro", but it is the epitome of s@#t. Granted, the game was actually a "throw-in" when I purchased my new Yobo (2 in one SNES and NES Chinese console) so I didn't have to pay anything for it, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that this game is s@#t. In addition to the aforementioned, I had never even heard of this game let alone ever dreamt that I would be reviewing it on this site. I don't know about you, but I thought that I had played damn near everything for the NES. You should have seen the look of surprise when this grey turd fell out of the UPS box last Tuesday.

Anyway, The Mafat Conspiracy stars the main character from another game you probably have never heard of called "Golgo 13" or some s@#t like that. Basically, you are some sort of disenchanted sniper who goes around Europe killing random people in the streets and wandering into storefronts and the like to murder more people. Honestly, this game is just utter nonsense. Let me take it from the top.

Once you power up the console you are greeted by an insanely long intro that basically repeats the same six lines of text over and over again. Eventually you will find yourself on the first level where you have no weapons except for a kick, sweep and jumpkick. Honestly, the graphics were quite good which was very unexpected, but that is all I can say is good about this game. Your character is wearing a white suit and strolls casually with his hand in his pocket. Honestly, it is more of a strut (think the Parker Bros. Monopoly guy). Anyway, you strut to the right of the screen kicking the living s@#t out of everything. Once you reach the end, some weird guy hands you a Colt Python handgun and instructs you to walk further to the right. Well, he doesn't say that, but you get the point. 

Stage 2: Walk further to the right...

In the next stage you walk to the right and shoot everyone. The only difference is that the enemies now have guns and their bullets move faster than yours and fire in bursts. Not to mention, the enemies are practically running at you firing so it is really easy to die. It was during this stage that I managed to walk up into a doorway only to find myself in some type of first person purgatory. All I can say about this POV is that it makes Friday The 13th look like f@#king Halo 3. Imagine nothing but 3D grey walls and a compass. 

Now all we need is a f@#king compass...

I turned the game off at this point. So to sum this game up in three words... piece of s@#t. Sorry for wasting your f@#king time with this one. I just had to get this written down somewhere.

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